Author: Dr Jean Pain

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Autobiography Early Years

First Impressions

First Impressions by Catherine PainWhat I first remember was being pushed along in a pram gazing up at the greenery of the plane trees that line so many of the London roads. My mother told me later, when I began to learn words, that the only time I cried was when the trees disappeared. Since then, all my life, I have always loved them, big ones and small ones, beautiful in all seasons, even in winter when the lacy patterns of the branches stand out starkly against the pale winter skies. This was the beginning of my interest in all things in nature and my love of walking in peace on my own in all kinds of landscapes.

When I was old enough to toddle I walked out of our back door and was astonished to see a tree that lay the length of the garden. I was told that it had been blown down in the night by the wind. I had only seen it upright before, but now I learned how very much bigger they were when seen so close. I clambered into the branches so that I could explore it.

The leaves were a dazzling green. Suddenly I realised that there were many of them moving up and down, whilst the rest of the greenery stayed still. I picked one up. It was warm and furry. I did not know it, but this was was my first sight of a caterpillar. The more I looked the more there were. I still remember how amazed I was that some things I saw were able to move on their own and others could not. I did not know it but I had one of my first lessons from Mother Nature. Things look quite different when they are close and when they are further away.

New knowledge was opening up for me every day. It is some time before newly-borns realise that they are beings in their own right, not part of their mothers. I cannot remember the exact moment when I suddenly felt that I was a separate person with a name of my own and that Mummy and Daddy were also separate people. But in some strange way we belonged to each other and I was aware that they did things for me that I couldn’t do for myself.

Do other babies experience the same thing? I have discovered that most of us remember very little of their early lives. I have come to the conclusion that those of us who do are exceptionally aware not only about what is going on around us but also within ourselves. I believe that those who do are particularly imaginative and sensitive in many different ways. One of the results of these characteristics is that they tend to do things on their own by teaching themselves what they have noticed.

We learn to make the most of ourselves by finding out the kind of people we are. I believe that many of us fail to do the best for ourselves by lacking the confidence to trust our own judgement. I believe my life story, my account of how I reacted to my life’s experience and the benefits I reaped from this, will serve as a good example to young people who have most of their lives before them.

Categories
Autobiography Early Years

The Fear Of Freedom

Goodbye to another Christmas and welcome to another new year. In my eighty second year I have developed from a tiny human being, knowing nothing about this world up to today when I have reached nearly a full lifetime of experiences. It is quite one thing to think about plans for the future when we are young, with what seems to be an endless stretch of time before us, and how we think when at last we realise that we have very little time left.

When we are young we know nothing about the future. We make decisions from the basis of very little knowledge of both the world around us and and even less about what kind of people we are. No-one can know the future but every one of us has individual potentials inherited from our ancesters through the particular genes that we possess. How we use those genes for our own benefit, and for our fellow beings, depends on our making use of our powers to get to know what our real potentials are.

In order to do this we need to learn to observe what is going on around us and inside us. Some kind of guidance is needed but we need to make sure that we are moving in the right direction for ourselves. It is vital that in order to make the best use of our lives we must gradually learn the truth from the false. No-one can teach you this except yourselves. The biggest impediment is the set of beliefs that we pick up from our cultures.

Inevitably we are hampered because of the influence of the society in which we live. Very few people have the courage to work things out for themselves from fear of loneliness. It is easier to fit in with others in order to feel safe. The greatest contributors to universal knowledge work on their own and do not ask for help. Yet they need help but know that the best kind comes from the discoveries of individuals who have lived before us. Not everyone is a genius, but I believe that most of us have the potential to contribute something to the common good. The biggest mistake we make is taking on other people’s ideas without question. Everything should be examined. If they are not, we are liable to turn into bigots who are terrified of changing their minds. For example, when Germany was in dire straits, after World War 1, such a man as Hitler would never have risen to power if enough people recognised what sort of man he was. Erich Fromm was a great writer who recognised in the late thirties the dangers ahead, expressed them very clearly in his book “The Fear of Freedom”. What a wonderful title! It epitomises the fact that to make full use of freedom, we must take full responsbility for ourselves. Any thinking person who has read Hitler’s book “Mein Kampf” would spot the dangers. Had there been more people who did, Hitler would not have been accepted.

My aim for the rest of my life is to tell about my lifelong experiences and the uses I made of them. From my earliest remembered days I have always noticed what was going on around me and tried to make sense of it: especially the way people talk to each other. I have always done what I wanted to do and refused not to go along with any ideas that I thought might be harmful. As I look back on my life I realised that I had achieved everything I wanted to do and it gives me much satisfaction. I took risks that most people would not take and on the whole they were successful. The reason for this is that I always enjoyed what I was doing.

My main aim is to show to young people that they have more power to do what they want than they think. Far too many reach old age and are disappointed about what they have not done. Think for youself, do not accept what you don’t want. Whatever the pressure stick to what you think is right. That is the best and only way to achieve self-confidence.

Categories
Men and Women

Picking Your Perfect Partner

We all love songs and stories, especially about love affairs. They awaken longings in most of us that make us want to experience these wonderful feelings. Nearly all the stories, plays and songs of this kind end in disaster. Think about Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Wuthering Heights and many others.

Why is it we long for something when all the messages we get from history tell us to beware?

When I was a therapist I met a very few clients who did not understand what falling in love means because it had not happened to them. I am fairly certain that these exceptions were those who had very little imagination. You don’t miss what you don’t know.

C.G. Jung taught us that we all have some of the qualities of the opposite sex. He called them archetypes. It makes sense. Men and women are complementary, not equal. Since our species came into being, males and females have needed each other to ensure the continuation of our offspring. The same is true of those animals who lack the power of speech, only everything is much easier for them because all they have to do is follow their instincts.

Jung called the female component the anima and the male component the animus. We are not aware of them because they live in our unconscious minds. However, people who know us well and like us are used to our ways which they recognise by paying attention to how we speak and behave. In all our lives there are some things that are so important to us that we will in no way give them up. If we wish to make a good relationship with someone of the opposite sex, we need to have an animus or an anima that is harmonious with ours.

No matter how much two people think they love each other, if they disagree strongly about a matter that is vital to both, they will very soon fall out of love. Therefore, before we begin to rush into marriage we should each make a list about ourselves in as much detail as possible.

Since we all have an inner life that only we know, as well as an external life, it occurred to me, as a psychotherapist with a strong sensitivity, that people with that same ability should be trained to help other people to know themselves better. I shall begin with my first list shortly.

Categories
Behaviour

Wanted Man or Woman GSOH Must Be Nice

This above all to thine own self be true:
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet: act 1.

  • Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crises. There is no birth of consciousness without pain. C.G.Jung: Psychological reflections.
  • All people in this world are different from each other.
  • Solitary confinement is one of the most dreaded of punishments. Jean Pain.

We all need other people in one way or another, even if we only say ‘Hello’ two or three times a day. Imagine you were stranded on an island. If, after a long time you are still sane and then, one day, another person appears. It would be a wonderful surprise. How long do you think it would last? No doubt you would both do your best to find a way of escaping. After a while, you would gradually lose hope and settle down to make the best of your lives or one of you might kill the other. Or would they? Inevitably you would soon find out all the things that you disliked about each other. I imagine that you are a man and a woman of similar age.

Now, think of the same two people, living in some kind of society, who have great difficulty in making friends, yet still believe that they can get married and make it work. That would be equally hard to do. We have to remember that none of us know ourselves very well. This has always been the case as Shakespeare in his wisdom discovered more than four centuries ago. Most of us have been influenced to fit in to the community in which they were born. I have met people in this predicament when I was a psychotherapist. Working with them is not easy.

Most of the agony aunts writing in newspapers treat this matter in a superficial way. Much of it trying to tell people to be nice to each other. What I want to do is to get down to the nitty gritty. I come across dating advertisements all the time and all of them give descriptions of themselves that shed no light on what kinds of people they are, but focus on physical appearance and hobbies. If you are looking for a long term friendship or spouse, you need to be able to read other people by the way they talk and behave.

We all base our judgements on our own experiences, what we have learned and who we have met. Henri Ellenberger tells us about how Adler possessed the gift of menschenkenntnis (the intuitive practical understanding of man). In his clinical work with a new patient, about whom he knew nothing, he looked at him for a moment, asked a few questions and he could get a complete picture of the subject’s life problems. This is something I learned to do from childhood but because it came naturally I thought nothing of it. I have based my research on the works of Harvey Sacks, C.B. Jung, Freud, Erich Bromm, Eric Berne, Adler, David Rosenthal and many other psychologists and philosophers. I have also been an avid reader all my life, mostly the classics. I find very few contemporary writers and painters that delight me.

I am building up a programme of ways to help people to understand themselves and others. This includes questionnaires, exercises, including how to find out things about themselves and other people . I have always been fascinated by how we talk with each other and how we give our real selves away in so many small movements and tones of voice.

It is not easy to make important changes in our lives and it can be temporarily a painful time, but I know how rewarding it can be when it is properly done.

Categories
Behaviour Psychotherapy

Many Happy Marriages

The only way not to be disappointed is to expect nothing. The expectations of marriage today are much too great. Throughout my life I have done my best to understand what makes us tick and how we respond to each other. Two people who have lived together for a long time go through three phases. First, a honeymoon process when everything seems wonderful, then reality creeps in because we cannot be on our best behaviour forever, then disillusionment takes over and finally they either get divorced or try to find out how things could be better.

Today, many people seek out therapeutic help.

Very soon after I began my private practice I had more couples clients than single ones. Their ages varied from quite young to bordering on old age. Since what I know most about is how and why we talk to each other I soon devised a method of my own that proved to work very well.

This is what I discovered. First, many people wanted to come on their own because their spouse refused to. I soon realised that that was a waste of time. Those who came alone invariably blamed their husband or wife for all their problems. As I always believed that it takes two to tango, I knew that the only path I could follow was to find out what was going on between them. I could only do so if both attended.

In the first session I encouraged them to talk to each other. I let this go on for a while. They soon forgot I was there and went back to their usual aggressive habits of talking with each other. I said nothing until I stopped them, which didn’t take very long. They either tried to get into an argument which I quickly brought to a full stop, or they went into a sullen kind of silence. I told them that I would give them some written homework to do and bring back to me at the next session, if they decided to come back.

I asked each one in turn what was the worst thing they disliked in the other. I asked each to listen carefully and tell me what each thought the other had said. They invariably got it wrong. This action in itself shook them up a bit. They had to think hard because they were conscious of my presence; wondering all the time what I would say, something that they never did with each other. I gave each one of them a piece of paper and asked them to write down all the other things that annoyed each other most but to say nothing until the next session.

I realised the value of the presence of a listening therapist. If clients did the homework they usually came back. Then the fun began. I asked them who would like to go first? Understandably neither did, but eventually one of them broke the ice because they found the silence embarrassing. They were not used to silence.

What I did was to take every complaint each made and analyse what they really meant. I learned that both had misunderstood each other because neither of them listened. All they did was to pull a disagreeable face and turn their eyes and ears away. I learned long ago that if anyone says something to me that they think I will not like because they intended to annoy me, they will look anywhere except straight into my eyes. Only if both participants genuinely wanted to improve their lives would they begin to realise the uselessness of such behaviour. There are many different methods that I adopted to help them to come back to reality and retrieve their sense of humour, if they ever had one. Most of us do.

The last resource is for all of us to realise that no matter how much we like another person we need a rest from each other now and then. We cannot expect people to be as perfect as we want them to be because we all know that we are far from perfect ourselves. I use the ‘we’ because I have been through all these phases myself not once but many times. I now know that it is possible to keep a real friend or spouse provided we improve our ability to be tolerant without overdoing it.

Categories
Power and Control

Of Course I am Right, Aren’t You?

Self-control and sound judgement have to be the foundation of a useful life. The meaning of controlling ourselves is to do the best for us because it prepares us to do the best we can in our relationships with other people.

Both control and judgement are usually misunderstood in a derogatory fashion. Think of ‘sitting in judgement’ and ‘controlling’. Are you pleased if another applies the words to you? Of course not. They sound like an attack and that is what is meant. Most teachers most of the time have learned from those who taught them that their judgement is right. Who teaches us to develop good judgement? No-one. Who teaches us to think for ourselves? No-one. How then do we learn wisdom. The answer has to be that only those who continually question everything, not with the motive that we like causing trouble, as many people do, merely to try to disconcert others. And for what purpose?

Quite recently I was told that I always think I am right. I pointed out that I come to my ideas through constant research and I am always ready to change my mind if someone else gives me a good enough argument. There are very few people who can do this. Needless to say my friend merely repeated her first statement in the same tone which was certainly not anything but an attack with no ammunitions. I tried once more to put my message over. I never say that I believe in anything without having evidence. Surely anyone who is certain about something is either a bigot or someone like me who has researched all I can to find an answer. If this is not accepted, I follow my procedure to keep my mouth shut. It would be a waste of breath.

This is where self-control comes in. We must always remember that if people hold on to strong beliefs without ever questioning them, they must be terrified of changing them. Their security rests on what they have learned from other people’s. They have not yet learned enough about themselves , especially about their darker self. Don’t we all love revenge when we fear someone knows better than we do? This is the time when we need to exert our self-control to its limits. Retaliation is a losing card. If you use it you will bring yourself down to the not-to-be-desired lowest level. If anyone cannot take part in a useful discussion, where both sides agree to listen to each other’s point of view, you cannot have what I call “a proper conversation” which is one where both sides are seeking the truth and not trying to get the better of each other.

Which brings me to the next point that most of us want to have a long-term relationship. Not a superficial one as so many are, but a situation where both sides are independent in their ways of life and work. Neither tries to make the other do what they want to do. Recognise that everyone has the right to do in all the things that matter.

If we are too needy and feel that we cannot live on our own we are unlikely to make a working relationship. All the ads. I read of people seeking a close, lifelong relationship only talk about superficial appearances. Some of them are hilariously funny, but that doesn’t help them but it entertains me!

When I was a psychotherapist I came across many long-term couples who felt they needed help. In the first session I picked up all the negative ways in which they talked to each other. Neither of them listened. Both thought they were in the right, based on no evidence at all. In my next offering I shall give some examples.

Categories
Blog

Crime and Punishment

There was an excellent article in The Daily Telegraph today by Philip Johnston protesting against the attempts to keep more criminals out of prisons by getting them to say they were sorry and won’t do it again (!!) and/or would be given community sentences or would take up training for a worthwhile job. As Johnson points out, the idea of providing training would only work for the few who really wanted to put crime behind them and become responsible citizens.
B.F. Skinner, an American psychotherapist, worked from the premisses that the best way for people to change was for them to want to change and when people behave badly they should not be rewarded. If this happens they are merely encouraged to repeat the bad behaviour. So the answer must be to punish instead. This was always the way up to the advent of Freud and the growth of many different ways of practising psychotherapy.
Johnson points out the foolish methods now being used. Any idiot knows that ‘saying sorry’ never works.
He tells the story of a violent offender released from prison who was sent to be examined on an “Anger Management Course” which he did not finish. He was classified as “of medium risk” and released; after which he went straight on to murder two young men.
Psychotherapy has done some very good work and some that is not so good. The facts are that no-one understands crime. We still know so little about what characteristics are inherited and which are learned. Studies of non-human animals have shown that they very rarely kill another of their own kind just for the sake of it. The more civilisation and populations grow, the more crimes grow and the more difficult they are to deal with.
Although most of us, who have worked to help people to solve their problems, accept the idea of the conscious and unconscious minds – a subject that has always been recognised and reproduced in all the great literature – that our unconscious mind is hidden from us and carries the negative aspects we all have which counterbalance our conscious and more positive side. But crime is a different matter. The people who do it know that is what they want to do. What neither they nor anyone else knows is the nature of the reason why.
I cannot help being concerned that we still need to design some kind of punishment that will be a big enough deterrent to make criminal behaviour unattractive. Why does it cost £30,000 a year to keep someone in prison? Perhaps they are too comfortable there. No-one gives answers to such questions. The Victorians did.

Categories
Behaviour Power and Control

The Right Kind Of Control

If we value peace of mind, and I think it is one of the best of values, it is vital that we avoid harming other people as far as that is possible. To do this we must develop a powerful sense of self-constraint. This cannot be accomplished unless we accept every aspect of our own natures, also as far as that is possible. This is the most valuable kind of control. All the best leaders aim at maintaining it to a great extent. I have in mind many different kinds of leaders, whether they were great military commanders, entrepreneurs, prime ministers and outstanding teachers to take a few examples. They have to have outstandingly good judgement, a very rare quality.

In military situations the following is necessary for commanders:

They have to have the ability to make painful decisions as well as welcomed ones.

They have to understand the people who follow them so well that they know they can trust them to take responsibility for the positions that they hold.

They have to have the courage to make unpopular decisions when they realise that they are necessary in crisis situations.

They do not feel sorry for anybody in hard times because they know that everyone they lead must take full responsibility for themselves however dangerous the situation must be.

They do not curry favour with anyone. Those who follow them into battle know that, accept orders without question and have great respect for them.

In the business world the situation is different but similar.

Everyone who works in a company needs to feel that all the employees are valued by their leader.

If the leader treats them well and allows them the freedom to make the best of their qualities they will earn his respect and will trust him to make the best decisions for the welfare of the business.

Whether the leaders are men or women, military generals or company directors, the well-being of both organisations has to be continually attended to. In dire situations, both have to make painful decisions for the benefit of the whole. Despite such matters, in every situation, they owe it to themselves to exercise self-constraint, especially over their own human emotions.

In everyday situations, we all have times when we are not sure what is the right path to follow. We can never be certain. However, we too have to have the strength to make decisions that may cause someone pain. We must be quite sure about our motives in such a situation. What can make the greatest harm is to try to run other people’s lives. The right kind of control is always self-control combined with good judgement.

Categories
General Psychotherapy

A Picture Of Truth

It is an interesting phenomenon that when psychotherapy works clients are often unaware what is going on until it is pointed out to them. Things change gradually. An unassertive lady may unexpectedly stand up for herself when she has been unfairly treated. Someone who fears speaking in public finds he does so unusually well. Someone with a phobia about heights looks out of a high hotel window and realises later that he felt no fear.

Surprisingly, instead of being delighted by the change some people are uneasy about it. The sort of thing they say is “I didn’t feel like myself. My voice sounded strange as though someone else was speaking.” The fact is that we all change from day to day, very gradually, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. People need time to adjust to feeling and behaving differently. We are all very closely tied to our habits. They do not change easily because we all become addicted to our present lives. We feel safe with what we know which is one reason that people stay in very difficult situations. They moan about it to all who will listen. Why? Because they hope that people will pay attention and give them sympathy. That is their compensation. Don’t do it!

I was always fascinated by Oscar Wilde’s “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” One of my favourite games is learning to read people from their faces. The older people are the easier to read. One of the advantages of my kind of research is that I have read non-fiction massively all my life which helps me to interpret what I see.

I may go back to painting portraits again. I would choose older people as subjects, including myself. As a general principle I believe that as we grow older we care less and less how other people see us. Oscar Wilde knew a thing or two about people.

We are bombarded on all the media with young women. The more beautiful they are, the more they look like inhuman dolls to me, except for the very few who have a character of their own. Very rarely do I find out anything about them. If I see a beautiful woman who is not wearing the usual uniform of ridiculously high heels, long hair flying around their faces and necks, with skirts so short that they can scarcely be seen, I know that such a person has the courage to dress as she pleases not just to please other people.

I like to sit with a cup of coffee in Waitrose and enjoy reading faces. The most interesting are the very young and the old. Most people in these categories are not self-conscious which means they are not seeking attention. Being a writer I make up little stories about them. If you want to understand people here are a few tips on what to look for:

Small children: Notice their energy levels, they vary a lot. Nowadays parents allow far more freedom than when I was a child. This is a good thing. Most of the children I watch do exactly what they want to do. They look straight into any eyes they like. They may respond to me or not. I can soon see which are the more outgoing and which ones might turn into ‘stuck-insiders’.

Ageing people are the most interesting. Unlike Dorian Gray’s Picture, their past life shows very clearly in their faces. The two main categories are stuck-insiders and individuals who still know how to enjoy life. The withdrawn ones usually have what I call ‘dead eyes’. They notice nothing except anything that annoys them. The ones who clearly enjoy life have bright eyes and notice what they want to see. These are the ones I would like to paint because they have grown into their own selves.

Categories
Behaviour Power and Control Psychotherapy

What Type Of Controller Are YOU?

There are two kinds of controllers. The first kind is one who puts the desire to please others at all times before honesty and his own well-being. Such people initially overwhelm you with charm but gradually make you feel uneasy in their presence because you are not dealing with the real person. You are face to face with a mask. You sense the underlying lack of sincerity and feel worse after spending time with them. This is the more subtle kind of control.

The second type has a compulsive need to always be right. All dictators, benevolent or otherwise, come into this category. When taken to the worst extreme of the effort to convert, the final solution is imprisonment, torture and death. Think of the Holocaust, think of the Spanish Inquisition.

We want to control others when our own lives appear to be out of control. We all feel like this sometimes. The most obvious example is when we encourage our children to do well in all subjects at school, instead of letting them get on with the lessons they like best. A common belief is that the more ‘education’ our children have the greater the opportunities for them to get a good job and do well. It is true that children need some guidance, but it is better to wait until they ask for help, and even then we must be careful to respect the childrens’ individual gifts and ambitions.

When working with clients, we psychotherapists have the responsibility to avoid trying to change their lives on their behalf. That is for them alone to do. This is why patience and a good sense of timing are essential qualities in a professional therapist.

Bigots, victims and martyrs also exert pressure on us to believe that this is what they are and they cannot be changed. As in everything, there is a sound reason for such harmful ideas, sunk deep in their unconscious minds. They need to hang on to their beliefs like a man on a sinking ship. If they give them up they are sunk.

Fear is one of the most powerful of all human emotions and the most deadly. All controllers work from this basic belief that we must never take risks but must always do as we are told. This is their way to try to keep everyone they come into contact with, SAFE. Could you imagine anything more stultifying?

(This article is based on an extract from Dr Jean Pain’s book “So you Want to be a Therapist”).